My whole thing about finally having time to watch extra shows ended up being a bit optimistic, since this is also contest season. But here I am, ready to watch episode 2! Let’s do this!
We open on Agent Cooper, hanging upside down and talking to his imaginary friend “Diane” again, narrating his hotel experience the way you narrate your life after you’ve just finished reading a first-person novel. Then he goes to try the coffee, of which he approves, and orders a fully-cooked breakfast.
Which is how it is that Agent Cooper’s talking about freshly squeezed grapefruits just as Audrey walks up, which we are to take as humorous innuendo and not as creepy as… well, everything else about Audrey. But grown men and the score sexualizing her does not make her fair game, Show. Of course, she immediately asks him if his palms ever itch, which we are supposed to also take as innuendo, that she is asking if he masturbates. But she is way too young to be sexualizing if she thinks that question makes either of them sexy. Audrey also drops the info that Laura tutored her brother three times a week. This will be important later. I’m not sure about in terms of the mystery of who killed her, but in terms of the mystery of how many hours there were in Laura’s day. I’m thinking she had a time-turner.
Agent Cooper lays out for the Sheriff the day’s plans: talk to Emo-Boy, talk to Bobby and Mike, but first, bathroom break. He says this while the Sheriff is still chewing. To be fair, it appears there are a LOT of donuts that he and Lucy have to get through.
Autopsy report! Laura’s body was wrapped up well enough that they were able to figure out how many men she’d had sex with even after spending some time in the river, so that’s impressive. And she died after bleeding out from a bunch of shallow cuts, which is rough.
Dumb Leo orders Shelly to do his laundry before she leaves for work, because her job isn’t as important as his because his is the kind that results in shirts covered in blood which he casually tosses in with the rest of the laundry because he is Dumb Leo. He also pre-orders a slice of pie while pinching his wife’s face. I know he’s supposed to be dumb enough to give his wife murder laundry, but hasn’t anyone explained about not making bruises visible?
The Agent and the Sheriff question Emo-Boy, but he insists that their relationship was secret because that’s what she wanted. Sure, I’m sure the girlfriend of the quarterback would get no pushback from dumping him for Emo-Boy, but really I’d think the secrecy of the relationship would be the feature and not a bug for him. She saw him from 9:30p-12:30a the night she died. Again, time-turner. I’ll get to it later. Emo-Boy is having an Emo-Flashback! Everyone be careful!
Oh no, Leo was infected by the emo! He screams “No!” and hits the washing machine and then apparently waits to turn into the Hulk, but so far Emo-Boy is the only one with superpowers, so he mostly stands there waiting for someone to yell “Cut!”
I didn’t realize Bobby’s “friend” there is called Snake. Did we know that? I think this is actually the origin story of Snake from The Simpsons. Totally looks like him in ten years. So they were supposed to give Leo $20,000 “today” but instead Bobby gave him $10,000 the night Laura died and for some reason the rest of it is in Laura’s safe deposit box. So she was probably mixed up with whatever they were doing, which was illegal by virtue of these dicks being involved.
The video again of Laura and Donna playing while she says “help me.” I still don’t think this qualifies as supernatural. Donna admits to her mother that she feels guilty about falling for her dead friend’s boyfriend. She doesn’t realize Emo-Boy’s powers. He makes girls feel guilty and in love and happy and sad, because he is Emo-Boy.
Garage Ed stops by to explain Emo-Boy’s tragic backstory (his mother’s out of town a lot. Not exactly a radioactive spider, but hey) and give his suspicions that his beer was drugged while Lucy explains what a long-distance phone call sounds like. (Useful! Prescient!) Agent Cooper takes the call and you can hear his cohort’s eyes rolling. “What’s the name of that pie place again?”
Garage Ed’s wife and girlfriend have a lovely conversation about drapes. Also, his wife is clearly crazy so we shouldn’t blame him that he also has a girlfriend. I kind of still do.
Emo-Boy leaves with his uncle and refers to Mike and Bobby as the “bookhouse boys,” which is probably a reference to their illegal activities but sounds boring. Speaking of, Agent Cooper cuts Mike and Bobby loose, but threatens them first if anything happens to Emo-Boy. The Sheriff says he feels like Dr. Watson, presumably because Agent Cooper is Sherlock Holmes but not in any appreciable way that we have seen.
Josie and Pete serve the Agent and the Sheriff coffee, which is all Agent Cooper needs to know the Sheriff is sleeping with Josie. I don’t understand Josie’s character. She came from Hong Kong 14 years ago. Did she already speak English? If so, she should have a British accent. If not, she should have a Chinese accent. Personally, I think we’ve got a dearth of characters on TV who are not white but don’t have accents. But if a huge part of the character is that she’s not from or raised in the United States, she should probably have an accent. If she does not, why is she still taking English lessons twice a week? Occasionally mixing up idioms is not something that requires that much attention. She saw Laura on Thursday from 5-6. Do we know what day of the week she died? They keep saying things like, “when did that happen?” “The day Laura died.” I’m not grounded in days of the week.
People seem to still remember the fish in the percolator bit. I think it’s just supposed to be hilarious? Like, these people are so backwoods, even though they’re rich, that they get their water from the river. Except when you fill a coffee pot, you don’t put the water in the percolator part. Someone would have to put it there. So… why? I understand it’s not a clue. I just don’t understand what it is. Pete seems absolutely ecstatic about the fish. He mentioned he and Josie just made the pot. So they did it? Did they expect something bad was about to happen which would cause Agent Cooper and the Sheriff to deserve fish coffee?
Josie’s sister-in-law is having an affair with… is that Audrey’s dad? They mostly discuss how they’re evil. “We’re going to burn down the mill in a mill town! Bwahahahahahahaha!”
Donna goes to see Laura’s mom. They mostly repeat “I miss her so much” at each other, then Laura’s mom starts hallucinating, first that Donna is Laura and then that there’s a strange man grinning at her while the soundtrack screeches at us and we’re scared Laura’s dad will accuse Donna of upsetting her mom even though that’s clearly not what happened.
Ronette’s parents tell the deputy (there is another one! I bet he mostly helps with donuts!) that Ronette went to her job as a salesgirl at a perfume counter. The deputy sees someone walk down a hallway with blue lights, which naturally makes him suspicious but not so suspicious that he would follow more than a couple feet. Incidentally, Ronette’s parents, in their clashing plaid fleece, are amazing.
So here we think that Audrey is just dancing to the music in her head, but it turns out she’s actually playing a record of the soundtrack of the show because it’s the only way to get her dad’s attention. Hey, that is the guy sleeping with Josie’s sister-in-law! Cookie for me! He’s still slimy with his clothes on. And here we find out that Audrey really is only acting out to get attention because she tells him everything that happened just before “The Norwegians are leaving!” Ding! And if she hadn’t said anything, he wouldn’t have known. But also, she knows that when he’s yelling “You are going to be scrubbing bidets in a Bulgarian convent!” that he’s really saying “I love you.” That might be because she only knows 50% of those words. But everyone knows “I lost you years ago” really means “I’m not mad, I’m just disappointed.” Ouch.
Bobby’s dad tries to say he’s proud, but since he uses military language to do it, Bobby just rolls his eyes and sighs and takes out a cigarette. Which causes Dad to slap his cigarette into Mom’s… is she eating cat food? I think she’s eating cat food. Anyway, the slap is the only part of the conversation Bobby understood. He’s clearly disappointed.
The Agent and the Sheriff are having pie and coffee and asking Norma about how Laura organized and ran the town’s Meals on Wheels program. In her free time. The five hours she managed to create between 12:00 and 12:01. Then the Log Lady stops by to challenge Agent Cooper to interrogate her log about what it saw that night. It’s Log! When he declines, nods with satisfaction, says “I thought so,” and moves on. He can’t handle the awesomeness of the log, and therefore he will never solve this mystery.
Dumb Leo is performing surgery on a football when Shelley gets home, so he stuffs a bar of soap into a sock and prepares to abuse her over his being dumb enough to give her a blood-soaked shirt. Shelley cowers in the corner and covers her face because she knows about visible bruising.
Donna introduces Emo-Boy to her parents. He has prepped up for the occasion, so they don’t immediately pull their daughter aside to explain his powers. Where’s Donna’s awesome sister? I hope she’s off having her spin-off.
Bobby and Mike stop by to announce their intention to kill Emo-Boy, because we are supposed to take seriously anything they say.
The Nutty Psychiatrist listens to a tape Laura made for him about how bored she is which, stop making all those extra hours in the day! Seriously, girl! No wonder everyone thought you were going to die, they probably thought it would be from old age at 17! Anyway, The Nutty Psychiatrist has the other half of Laura’s necklace (last seen being buried in the woods by Emo-Boy) and knows a lot of things he’s not telling the police, which, DUH. This is why you always interrogate The Nutty Psychiatrist first. And that’s episode 2!