Agent Cooper is telling Audrey it’s never going to happen and to put her clothes on! Hurray! Unfortunately, he’s saying this while admitting he’d really like to bone her but they both know it’s wrong, which is pretty much the ultimate in mixed signals. But he’ll be her friend and stay up all night listening to her secrets. Coop, I know you think you’ve got the world figured out and her secrets probably amount to skipping calculus one time, but trust me, you are not prepared. So this will be two nights in a row Agent Cooper doesn’t get to sleep, but at least the Icelanders have shut up.
Deputy Droopy arrives at work and tries to play nice with Lucy, but she continues the cold-shoulder routine and sends him away just in time to take a call from her doctor. So, pregnant? We’re going with pregnant. It’s the only reason women who haven’t coughed once discreetly (which would mean fatal illness, probably consumption) get calls from their doctors on TV. Plus she was out sick the day before (we didn’t know that) so definitely up the stick.
The Doctor and the Sheriff are checking out the myna bird, and the Doctor reads that myna birds like to talk when they’re feeling good, so they immediately decide he’ll make a stand-up witness in court when he recites everything he heard just once on a specific night. Agent Cooper begs off feeding the bird because he doesn’t like them, which, are you still sure you want to buy property in the middle of the woods? Deputy Hawk brings in the only photo from French Dude’s camera, which is his bird on a shoulder Agent Cooper identifies as being Laura’s. Agent Cooper then sets his tape recorder to “voice activated” and puts it next to the bird to hopefully capture the bird’s confession. They plan an exploratory trip to the brothel, and when the Sheriff mentions it’s in another country so just a tad outside of their jurisdiction, Cooper announces it’s a mission for the Bookhouse Boys. Can’t they just be cops who are outside of their jurisdiction and therefore not going to arrest anyone but would like to ask some questions? I’m pretty sure that’s allowed.
Bobby goes to see Shelly, but his whole way into the house he’s being watched by Dumb Leo, who is decidedly not dead but is babying his left arm so it looks like Shelly winged him. Shelly tearfully confesses to Bobby what she did, except she apparently didn’t open her eyes before Dumb Leo left the house, so she doesn’t know where she shot him or if he’s okay. Bobby announces he’s going to deal with both Leo and James (he means Emo-Boy; he’s not clued in on the secret identity) but I have no idea why he thinks Emo-Boy needs to be dealt with beyond petty rivalries. Dumb Leo has his scanner going and hears Lucy explaining to someone about how they have a bird that’s a murder witness, so he packs up his gun and takes off.
Maddie and Donna listen to Laura on tape talking to Dr. Jacoby. Oh, Emo-Boy is here too. He was hiding behind the drapes or something. Maddie picks up a cassette case without a tape in it, and they decide that Laura taped it the night she died (in the three hours she creates between 7 and 7:01pm) and Dr. Jacoby still has it. They listen to the tape they have again while they make a plan to get the other tape back by freaking out Dr. Jacoby.
Audrey’s at work, but she has no patience for customers, so this is going well. She hears the store manager tell her coworker he wants to see her, so she says she’ll be back in a minute, guaranteeing her coworker will be late to the meeting. She sneaks into the manager’s office, lights one of his cigarettes, and hides in his closet. She is the worst spy ever. The manager brings the coworker into his office. (So the perfume counter is just unattended now? They’re both terrible employees.) The manager gifts the coworker with a glass unicorn and goes on about how it symbolizes “purity” and “young at heart,” which causes me to forgive Audrey just a little for being an asshole to him last week. The manager tells the coworker she has the opportunity to be a “hospitality girl” at the casino, and even though he actually uses the word “escort” it’s clear that this girl doesn’t know what he’s offering. Or she’s thinking, “Prostitution! Why didn’t my guidance counselor offer this as an option? It’s perfect!” Audrey peruses the manager’s little black book just long enough to see Ronette’s name in it before she takes off.
Hank is playing helpful counter dude when he tricks Shelly into saying Garage Ed and Norma are close. Then he steals a lighter a customer left behind, which apparently sets of alarm bells because the Sheriff and Agent Cooper stop in to harass him. And that’s the only reason. “You’re on parole. Just thought I should remind you of that every hour, on the hour.” Agent Cooper advises the Sheriff to give himself a present every day, which today takes the form of black coffee, “like Christmas.”
Audrey pulls her coworker aside to say she’ll be hostessing at the casino and takes out one of those little glass unicorns to say she got one too. I know it’s a stupid gift, and even the girl thought it was stupid, but still, it was hers and Audrey had to ruin it. Anyway, Audrey uses this to get the phone number for “Black Rose” from the girl.
Garage Ed comes home to find his wife watching the meta-soap and eating “bon bons,” which today we call “chocolates.” Somebody rejected her quiet drape runners, and even though Garage Ed assures her there are plenty of patent attorneys in the sea, she’s decided this is the end.
Pete shows off his newly taxidermied fish to the Sheriff. He bemoans how the fish was fatter before it was stuffed, which is particularly funny when he holds it at just the right angle that you can see into it’s hollow mouth and straight down its hollow body. Pete, make a loud noise and see if it sings to you! The Sheriff asks Josie why she was at the hotel where she was spying on Catherine and Ben, and she admits that she was spying on Catherine and Ben. She thinks that pictures of two fully-clothed adults hanging out in a public place proves that they’re going to burn down the mill and frame her.
Agent Cooper is wearing a tux when he meets the Sheriff and Garage Ed in the hotel common room. He manages to look even better when he announces they have $10,000 of FBI money to lose, but he only peels off $300 for Garage Ed. The Sheriff lets Agent Cooper in on Josie’s theory, but Agent Cooper immediately jumps to “how much do you know about who she was before?” The Sheriff rightly calls out this xenophobic bullshit (well, Agent Cooper is right that the Sheriff should have doubts but not on why – Josie’s been in Twin Peaks for 14 years, which is a hell of a lot longer than Agent Cooper) and then they go over their cover story again. Audrey just misses the boys on their way out the door, so she calls (I’m assuming) Lucy to say Agent Cooper urgently needs to talk to her. Does she need a friend again?
Catherine is meeting with a life insurance agent, which is when she learns that Ben’s taking out a life insurance policy on her, with Josie as the beneficiary. Since Catherine had clearly planned on bequeathing to Josie a steaming pile of human excrement in her will, this comes as something of a surprise. She tells the agent there’s nothing odd going on, but she can’t sign the papers yet. He’s disappointed, but takes it well, all things considered. Better than Catherine, but he didn’t just found out his lover was planning on bumping him off, so apples and oranges, I guess.
Audrey is slipping a note under Agent Cooper’s door when she sees an Asian man entering his room. Considering how she stares, you’ve got to figure what kind of hell the last 14 years have been for Josie in this town.
Deputy Hawk is wiring up Agent Cooper at the Sheriff’s station and the myna bird is happily reciting Laura’s name when there’s a gunshot. Dumb Leo runs away from the station in the rain, carrying his rifle so there’s no question it was him, and now there’s bird blood and feathers all over the nicely-laid-out donuts. Agent Cooper rewinds his tape recorder to hear what the bird said earlier in the day and hears what sound like Laura’s last words, including “Leo, no.”
Agent Cooper and Garage Ed arrive at the brothel, where Black Rose identifies herself as “Blackie” and Garage Ed as a cop. When she asks their names, Agent Cooper says they’re Barnie and Fred. If that weren’t thin enough, when she asks Garage Ed what he does for a living, he answers “Own a garage… oral surgeon.” Smooth. Agent Cooper takes a moment to talk to his imaginary friend, but it must be a whole new game now that he knows there’s someone listening (Deputy Hawk, out in the truck).
Laura’s dad, sitting in the dark, sees Maddie sneak out of the house in the middle of the night.
Donna drives up to the gazebo, where Emo-Boy is waiting, and drops off Maddie, who is wearing a truly terrible Laura wig. I know she’s supposed to be like three wigs deep at this point, but really. Emo-Boy looks like he really thinks Maddie’s Laura for a minute before realizing his secret girlfriend is RIGHT THERE and cooling it.
Ben and Jerry are entertaining the Icelanders with multi-lingual versions of 99 Beers On the Wall. Ben sends them away to talk to Jerry over a pint of ice cream (WE GOT IT THE FIRST TIME) and asks why they haven’t already signed the deal. Jerry says they want to have a signing party at the brothel, and Ben asks how they know about the brothel. Well, Ben, you were the one who suggested it last week, so I’m going to guess you brought them there. Jerry says naw, it was his bad, but I’m going to lay blame with the writers. It was last week! You should remember! Ben calls Josie to tell her to get Catherine to the mill and it’s set for tonight. When Josie hangs up we see Hank hanging out behind her, being nefarious.
Audrey shows up to interview with Black Rose and presents a resume that lists her name as Hester Prynne. Is it sort of the ultimate in short-sightedness to assume this woman is illiterate? Black Rose calls her on it immediately, but asks for one good reason she shouldn’t send Audrey away. Audrey responds with that trick of tying a cherry stem into a knot with her tongue, and although Black Rose accepts it, I’d like one reason that particular skill would translate in any appreciable way to being a good hooker. Also, how far exactly is Audrey willing to go for this undercover work?
Agent Cooper is cleaning up at the blackjack table when non-French dude takes over as the dealer. He’s Jacques? I thought French dude was Jacques and that’s why he had the terrible accent even though his brother had no appreciable accent and was so American he was even fat. Bernie, I think? Well, if French dude wasn’t even named Jacques, why the hell did he have an accent?
Maddie calls Dr. Jacoby pretending to be Laura and quoting some of the things she said in the tape they listened to. Maddie is at a payphone and still wearing the terrible wig. She tells Dr. Jacoby there’s something waiting for him at the door, and he has the foresight to bring a gun with him but it’s just a videocassette. He plays it and it’s Maddie with the wig and today’s newspaper. To his credit, he is not fooled for a second, and is able to figure out (via looking) that the video was made at the gazebo. Bobby sees Emo-Boy and Donna take off on Emo-Boy’s motorcycle, which will be perfect for sneaking up on anyone with. Wait, so they met at the gazebo, made a tape, drove to Dr. Jacoby’s office to drop the tape off, then drove back to the gazebo to call Dr. Jacoby, then back to his office? These kids wouldn’t last one day someplace with traffic.
Dr. Jacoby takes off for the gazebo, where we know Maddie is just hanging out in her wig, so that will end well. Bobby watches Donna and Emo-Boy sneak into Dr. Jacoby’s office and he puts a baggie of something in Emo-Boy’s gas tank.
There’s a POV shot of Maddie loitering, but no one else is supposed to be there! Who could it be?