It’s the season finale! Apparently Dr. Jacoby likes to look at his poster of sunset on the beach and listen to beach sounds, so that’s what we’re doing when Emo-Boy and Donna get into his office. When Donna asks, “where should we start?” we realize how little these kids planned their breaking and entering. They find Dr. Jacoby’s stash of cocktail umbrellas, each of which is labeled with what important (to him) thing that happened. Donna finds the beach sounds speaker and pushes a button. Before it’s even clear that the music has changed, she calls to Emo-Boy for help. They find Laura’s tape inside Dr. Jacoby’s coconut (not a euphamism) and take off on Emo-Boy’s motorcycle, Bobby hanging out behind them and pretending to shoot them with his fingers, like small children do.
Maddie’s still hanging out at the gazebo, unaware that Dr. Jacoby is now watching her. He’s rehearsing what he’s going to say to her when he’s attacked from behind by a masked man. It doesn’t look like a particularly fatal beating, but Dr. Jacoby rolls over and his eyes get wide as he watches “Laura” ride away with Donna.
Garage Ed isn’t doing so well at roulette (surprise!) but Agent Cooper is cleaning up at blackjack. Also, the waitresses have playing cards in their hair. This is a look that never really caught on. Agent Cooper is playing with the evidence chip, which doesn’t seem like a good idea. One of the working girls propositions Agent Cooper but he turns her down. Oh, he’s one of those do-gooders that turns down all women, huh? Agent Cooper says he’s a friend of Leo’s and Jacques plays dumb. It’s a joke! I get it! Like when I say my car is a Toyota Echo and someone says “what?”
Audrey’s showing off her working girl outfit for Black Rose, who approves. The camera does a good job of staying focused on her eyes, by the way. Kudos. I think Audrey notices Agent Cooper on the security video, but it’s hard to tell what she’s seeing. Black Rose tells her to pick a card, but the deck isn’t randomized so Audrey is picking out a specific one. She picks the Queen of Diamonds. Yeah, because anyone back there is the anything of Hearts, Clubs, or Spades.
It becomes clear that Jacques has no idea what the significance of the chip Agent Cooper gave him is, so Agent Cooper explains it by imitating the myna bird. (I got that from the subtitles. There’s not much to imitating a myna bird.) Agent Cooper says he’s the money man behind Leo’s operation and fronts Jacques $10,000 to do a job on the US side of the border. He asks Jacques the story behind the chipped chip, and Jacques says the bird always liked Laura. In extreme close up and slow motion, Jacques says the bird was scratching Laura while she was tied up and Leo was “doing a number” on her, so Leo put the chip in her mouth and told her to “bite the bullet” to get her to shut up. It really looks like Agent Cooper is tempted to put two into Jacques right here and now, but instead he waits until Jacques is just out of earshot to tell Deputy Hawk that “the trout is on the line.” These boys and their secret codes. What could he possibly mean?
Audrey can hear some of the conversation happening in the other rooms, but mostly she’s just hanging out being nervous and bored and wondering exactly how far she’s willing to go for this thing. (I only realized on re-watching that she left a note in Agent Cooper’s room. If she saw him on the surveillance feed, she probably thinks he’s coming for her and that’s what she’s waiting for. As we all know, this is a really bad plan on her part.)
Shelly is washing her hair in the kitchen rather unsuccessfully when Dumb Leo ambushes her.
The Sheriff and Deputy Droopy are hanging out, waiting for Jacques and talking about Lucy when Deputy Hawk lets them know to be on the lookout. As he’s speaking, Jacques pulls up so several cop cars turn on their lights and sirens and surround him. Jacques goes for one of the officer’s guns, but Deputy Droopy manages to take him down on the first try. Good thing Agent Cooper made him go to that firing range that one time!
Maddie, Donna and Emo-Boy listen to Laura’s last tape. They hear her saying that Emo-Boy is sweet but dumb (in this town, do you have any smart male role models, darling?) but there’s a mystery man who’s really into nearly killing her, which she finds super sexy. Emo-Boy comes to the conclusion that Dr. Jacoby didn’t kill Laura, so it’s a good thing they put him through all that trauma and stuff, huh? Donna’s dad (a.k.a. the Doctor) has to go to the hospital to tend to Jacques and/or Dr. Jacoby.
The sawmill establishing shot looks like a super-polluting Thomas Kinkade. Dumb Leo has rigged up a weird explosive that uses a kitchen timer and has tied Shelly up with a bandana in her mouth and a load of wood at her feet. He’s going to burn her as a witch! Dumb Leo. First he’s supposed to find out if she’s heavier than a duck! He insists, of course, that this is all her doing, because he is a psychopath.
Nadine lays out a pretty blanket on the living room floor and wears a pretty dress as she writes a note and prepares to take all of her medications (she’s apparently on two, and at least one of those bottles is pretty full) at once. Aww, Nadine! You coulda just run off with Log Lady! The two of you would have amazing adventures together! Think about it!
Hank is getting $90,000 from Josie, and we finally get the story that she paid him to kill her husband, but never got a chance to complete the payoff before he was arrested for killing someone with his car on his way home from killing Josie’s husband. He keeps trying to blackmail her for more money, but since the truth coming out would be just as bad for him as for her, she just keeps repeating “we had an agreement” and smoking her cigarette in a dismissive way. He says, “We’re all born into life, and we have a certain number of years to move and breathe and have our being. That’s from a book on Oriental philosophy.” Yes, that is pretty much the definition of life. Small children come to terms with it. Rust Cohle, Hank is not. (Rust Cohle’s philosophy being more like a college freshman’s. Most people outgrow both pretty quickly. The point being, it’s not enlightening.) Hank decides that now their agreement needs to be sealed with a blood oath. First, blood oaths don’t count for anything if one of the parties isn’t consenting. Second, it’s 1990 and you just got out of prison! Dude! AIDS! Perhaps this is why Josie, rather than sucking the wound clean like Hank does with his, just rubs the blood all over her lips. O-Kay.
Catherine is tearing apart her office looking for the ledger. Pete tries to help, mostly by closing the blinds on her windows one at a time as the mill workers try to stay ahead of him so they can see inside. Catherine and Pete reminisce about their romance, and it sounds like they never really were big on mushiness, but Catherine doesn’t try to pretend their relationship is more than it is as she plainly says she’s in trouble and she needs help. She won’t say her lover is planning to kill her, but it’s still honest, even when she’s rolling her eyes at Pete hugging her.
Hey, there’s three officers we’ve never seen before. They, the two Deputies and Garage Ed are standing around reliving Deputy Droopy’s big victory while Lucy waters the plants and listens. They encourage Deputy Droopy to go over to Lucy, so when she’s in the little kitchenette he pulls the accordion-doors closed and kisses her as if he’s never kissed another person before. But when Lucy admits she’s pregnant (I’m not high-fiving myself for calling it because it was pretty obvious) he leaves in a stunned silence and she goes back to work. Bobby calls pretending to be Dumb Leo and leaves a message for the Sheriff that Emo-Boy is “an easy rider.”
Agent Cooper and the Sheriff question Jacques while he’s in the hospital. Jacques says Dumb Leo hit him with a whiskey bottle that night, hard enough to make him bleed and pass out. He used Dumb Leo’s shirt to stop the bleeding, which is why it was covered in blood, but was unconscious when Leo left with Ronette and Laura so he doesn’t know what happened. Agent Cooper says he’s “too stupid to lie,” and it definitely looks like Dumb Leo’s their killer. The Doctor says Dr. Jacoby is doing better – apparently the beating and seeing “Laura” were enough to give him a heart attack. That makes much more sense.
Pete and Catherine are tearing their home library apart looking for her ledger when Catherine gets a call from Hank saying the ledger is at the mill. Catherine knows enough to bring her gun with her. Looks like this is the rest of what Josie contracted him for.
Hank tells Norma sweet nothings about how much he missed her when he was in prison. Also, a real bed. He really missed a real bed. Can’t really blame him. I miss my bed and I get to visit it every night. He’s got big dreams about how they’ll get rich from the diner (and totally not his side business killing people). Norma wants to believe him until he leans in to kiss her, and then it seems a little too close.
Garage Ed finds Nadine lying on the living room floor. She helpfully left the phone on the floor next to her, so he calls 911 and begs her not to leave him. Listen to him, Nadine!
The Sheriff and Agent Cooper arrive at the station, so Lucy gives them “Leo’s” message and includes that it sounded like he was at a park. They pull the detail off Leo’s house. (WHAT? They had people staking out the house and still Dumb Leo managed to tie Shelly up and try to set her on fire? How bad are these people at their jobs?) It turns out Emo-Boy’s also at the station, waiting to talk to them, and Agent Cooper takes him off to another room while Laura’s dad asks the Sheriff if it’s true “they caught the guy.” The Sheriff admits they have someone under arrest but won’t say they don’t think he did it, or at least he’s not the primary killer. Laura’s dad just repeats “hospital” so we know what he’s going to do.
Emo-Boy gives Agent Cooper the tape Laura made and says it implicates someone with a red corvette (Leo again). Agent Cooper tells Emo-Boy about how his shenanigans put Dr. Jacoby in the hospital with a heart attack. Emo-Boy is concerned but won’t say what he was doing (his default state) when the Sheriff comes in with a bag of drugs from the gas tank in Emo-Boy’s motorcycle. “Start by telling us what this was doing.” Considering the message you got, Sheriff, I’d say it’s pretty clear he’s being framed. I’m not just saying that because we saw Bobby framing him. I’m saying it because Bobby is stupid and really bad at framing people and this is totally transparent.
Ben is having his little signing ceremony at the brothel with the Icelanders when he gets a call from Hank that “Leo Johnson’s going to get a house call,” presumably because Ben is their real money man and since Hank wants to take the drug-running business back from Dumb Leo, he needs permission to kill him. Ben gives permission.
Bobby shows up at Dumb Leo’s looking for Shelly. Dumb Leo attacks him with an axe, screaming “Shelly’s dead, you killed her!” because is a psychopath, and then gets shot through the window while Bobby cowers in front of him. Bobby looks through the window and clearly sees Hank, although probably Hank does not see him. Bobby scrams and Dumb Leo dies watching the meta-soap (it’s on 24 hours a day?) where a character is shot and is dying. Dumb Leo looks confused. Bye-bye, Dumb Leo!
Catherine goes to where Hank said her ledger was and finds Shelly all tied up and trying to warn her. Catherine admonishes her, “I can’t understand a thing you’re saying. You have a thing in your mouth” and the timer dings and blows something up. It’s a small fire so far, but this is something Catherine has to think about. She takes the bandana out of Shelly’s mouth and then stands there thinking long enough for the second explosion to go off, making the fire really big. A hilariously sawed-off piece of the ceiling falls nearby while Catherine finally gets Shelly loose.
Laura’s dad sets off the fire alarm at the hospital so there’s no one around when he tapes Jacques’ hand to the rail (the other arm is in one of those casts that holds his arm up parallel to his head) and smothers him with a pillow. Dad starts to cry, until the fire alarm stops ringing and he leaves to check it out. Bye-bye, Non-French Dude!
Pete is called to the mill when the fire starts, and decides to go in looking for Catherine with a hand-held fire extinguisher and safety glasses. The right tools for the right job, Pete.
The signing over, Ben treats the head Icelander to gambling and decides to treat himself to “the new girl.” You remember Audrey? His daughter? He doesn’t either.
A hunched-over seamstress is affixing a giant Queen of Diamonds playing card to Audrey’s dress, but escapes through a side door when there’s a knocking. Audrey can see her father entering from a well-placed mirror but he clearly doesn’t see her. Odds on her going through the same door the seamstress went through?
Agent Cooper’s telling his imaginary friend how great it is that the Icelanders aren’t still singing and he’s expecting room service. His neighbors must appreciate how he stands in the middle of the hallway to dictate these letters. He’s no sooner in his room than his phone rings. It seems like a really mysterious call until he puts the handset down and it’s Deputy Droopy yelling that Dumb Leo’s been shot. Agent Cooper doesn’t hear this because he’s answering a knock at the door, believing it to be room service, when he’s shot three times in the chest. No blood, though. Odds that he was smart enough to put on a bullet-proof vest before going on an undercover assignment?
So this is the cliffhanger that had everyone so pissed off. I also heard lots of complaints that they never said who killed Laura Palmer. I guess there are still questions, but they have a pretty substantial circumstantial case against Dumb Leo, plus he’s dead, so even though I got spoiled to the ending and I know it wasn’t him, I still think it’s pretty concrete. Who shot Agent Cooper? That’s a better question. Slowly killing off your more eccentric characters (Nadine), though, doesn’t seem like a great series strategy.
Other people had to wait a whole summer for season 2. I only have to wait as long as it takes for Netflix to load the next episode. I love having a Roku.