Agent Patronizing stays just long enough to tell Agent Cooper to find their killer whatever it takes, including vision quests and dreams. He understands there’s a difference between a proven murderer and a patsy, right? At any rate, Agent Cooper asks the Sheriff to delay telling Maddie’s family for 24 hours so he can find the killer. I’m pretty sure he’s setting them up for a lawsuit, but the Sheriff agrees anyway.
Catherine goes to visit Ben in jail in her Japanese Man disguise, but reveals herself by slipping one foot out of her shoe and waggling her toes at Ben. He immediately, hilariously, recognizes her feet even when he didn’t recognize her face right in front of him. She gets him to sign the property and mill over to her, and then says she’ll “think about” providing his alibi. She hasn’t confronted him about trying to kill her yet, but she does very reasonably point out, “you and I have spent our entire adult lives lying to each other. Why spoil it with the truth now?”
Donna goes to give Leland a copy of the tape of the song Maddie recorded with her and Emo-Boy so he can forward it to Maddie. She’s wearing her sunglasses inside, which, aside from being rude, gives the distinct impression she’s probably hung over or high. Really it’s so Leland/Bob can recognize them as Laura’s, which by extension makes Donna another Laura and therefore a target. Ticking clock! Fortunately, just as she realizes she’s in the lair of the beast, the Sheriff shows up and asks Leland to come with him.
Turns out Agent Cooper is arranging one of those Agatha Christie “someone in this room is the real killer” scenarios with all of the prominent men in town including brain-damaged Leo and the night clerk who gives “thumbs-up” signs. The night clerk’s presence is enough to remind Agent Cooper that in his dream, Laura said her father killed her. Then Lurch gives him his ring back, even though I think that already happened just an episode or two after it was taken away. Anyway, he decides to arrest Ben and have Leland come as his attorney rather than just arresting Leland. It’s sort of trope on police procedurals now for the attorney to be the guilty party, but there’s not much point in the charade here. As soon as they get to the station they elbow Leland into a holding cell and let Ben go. Then Agent Cooper… talks Leland into dying. No, seriously. Leland/Bob runs head-first into the door a couple times, so he has a head wound but he doesn’t look or act in the least bit like it’s a fatal wound. He’s fully aware. Agent Cooper just kind of hypnotizes him into walking into the light. But Bob escapes because he’s non-corporeal.
Since we’ve now skirted nicely the difficult question of if Leland should be held responsible for his actions even though he was possessed, for lack of a better word, when he did them, we enter the phase of the story where Agent Cooper has no reason to stay and there’s no other plotline happening with any stakes whatsoever. So we get the mayor and the newspaper owner wrestling each other at a wake because they’re brothers and it’s quirky. We get Bobby trying to blackmail Ben into giving him a job, but since everyone’s forgotten about all the crimes SURROUNDING Laura’s death (cocaine distribution, burning down the mill), Ben just laughs him out of the office. We get Catherine telling the Sheriff a long, bullshit story about how she’s been holed up in her parents’ summer cabin for two weeks, surviving on canned tuna. I don’t care for tuna, but judging from my cats, I would be getting out of the small enclosed room with her ASAP, Sheriff.
Agent Cooper is finally ready to leave, so he lines up the troops with a toot toot of his toy whistle and then does the Wizard of Oz bit with the deputies and Lucy. (“I think I’ll miss you most of all, Scarecrow.”) Just as he reaches the door, another boss of his and a Canadian Mountie show up to tell him
the network won’t let him leave because he tests really well he’s under investigation. It’s because of the thing where the brothel is in Canada and they decided to handle it as the Bookhouse Boys instead of real cops. Not to say I told you so, but…
Agent Cooper has to turn in his badge and gun and cooperates fully. Sheriff Truman refuses to cooperate without a warrant, which is his version of standing up for Agent Cooper. To get his mind off things, Agent Cooper goes for a nighttime fishing trip with the Major (Bobby’s dad), which oddly takes the form of roasting marshmallows. These guys are shit at euphamisms. Unfortunately, while Agent Cooper’s off in the bushes (“there’s nothing like the feeling of urinating in the open air”), the Major gets Fire in the Sky-ed.
Emo-Boy takes off on his emo-bike, because his feelings are just too intense, man. Plus there’s this bar outside of town where they don’t card kids. He meets a woman there who looks kind of like Laura, although he doesn’t seem to make the connection, and follows her home to “fix her car.” There, her brother wanders in and tells him all about how the woman’s husband beats her every two weeks and they just have to sit and watch. He’s clearly setting up Emo-Boy to commit murder. It remains to be seen whether Emo-Boy is capable of that kind of action.
Nadine is still pretending to be 18, and now she’s enrolled in school and dressing like it’s 1955 and hitting on all the actually young boys and freaking them out. Especially when she thinks it’s cute to use her super-strength to literally throw boys around. Apparently I’m the only one re-thinking their decision to just go along with her delusion? And she hasn’t noticed that even though she had both eyes when she was 18, now she’s short one. Also, she should be dressing like it’s the early 70’s. The poodle skirts are just weird.
Agent Cooper’s buddy in the DEA, Dennis, is going to come help with the investigation. Surprise! Dennis now goes by Denise, although Denise is being played by David Duchovny in a wig (a better wig than Maddie’s, btw) so she gets strange looks from everyone.
Josie stumbles back into town and into the Sheriff’s waiting arms. Of course, he’s much more interested in making out than in asking questions. Or getting her medical care. She finally tells him this story about a guy in Hong Kong who was her pimp and has been chasing her ever since she married and escaped. She’s pretty sure he killed Andrew, which is why we think her entire story is bullshit, because she paid Hank to kill Andrew and we know it. Then Josie goes crawling back to Catherine for reasons that aren’t entirely clear, and Catherine decides Josie can stay as long as she lives and works as a maid. These things always work exactly as planned. Oh, and here we find out that Andrew is still alive. Hank is the worst contract killer EVER. Has he actually killed anybody that he was told to? Andrew, Catherine, Leo… I think the only one who’s died was that car accident that sent him to jail.
Dick is back, since he thinks Lucy’s carrying his baby, and he’s decided to be a real father. To prove he can, he joins one of those Big Brother, Big Sister-type organizations they invent for TV and he and Deputy Droopy end up competing to father the kid. Dick is such a dick that when the kid shows any concern for Dick’s well-being, he decides the boy is the literal devil.
Then the Major comes back in a flash of lightning, dressed as Snoopy chasing the Red Baron. Hurray!